Kierseyla

I found out at 3am that my grandmother has severely advanced pancreatic cancer. It might only be a matter of days. Most of you know how close I am to her, how much she means to me, and how much she has taught me. She is an amazing woman, and I hope beyond hope that the chemo is more effective than they could dream. But I have been preparing myself for anything. I may be leaving town soon, to go be with my family. PLEASE keep her in your thoughts and prayers, along with the rest of my family....

Thank you...

And there hasn't been a moment where I couldn't feel the aching emptiness. It's killing me. I hate waking up and wanting to cry.

I am in love. And it's not with something or someone unachievable. I am pleased.

Tonight, I cried. And it was beautiful.

I'm not going anywhere. You can make me run away. I won't do what others before me have done. I'm here to stay.

I love you. So fuckin deal with it :P

It's funny how, when things change, they haven't really changed at all. We merely mark a moment because we're determined to make things fit into a time-line.

Just a random thought.

For a long time I believed when people told me that if I gave and gave, I would become empty. That I would eventually have nothing more to give.

I'm beginning to see that I was wrong. Because in giving, I am me. I am complete. I seek to give all I can to those around me, whether people believe they deserve it or not. And there are those in my life who I have given all of myself to. I pour myself into them every moment of every day, whether they realize it or not. They are few, but they are precious to me.

I seek to give to people what they truly need. Not just what they think they need, or what they want. What they need, even when they don't see that. And when they need me to stop giving, I stop.

I only want for you to be better. And in bettering you and everyone, I better myself, and am fulfilled. And thus, I am never empty.

And with this in mind, I have learned something about myself. For a long time I have been trying to be independent, knowing that to be entirely independent is impossible for me, for a number of reasons. And that has always vexed me. But I think I'm beginning to see all of this in a different light. I am the kind of person who is mentally independent. It's part of what helps me be objective when I really need to be. I've tried so hard to be independent in my relationships, to be "my own person" above all. But that denies my very nature. I exist to give to those around me.

If I'm ever going to be in a relationship, ever again, it needs to be with that in mind. I think what I've been missing this whole time is, I'm totally the standard "trophy wife" type. I'm the kind of person who likes to organize things for the person I'm with. I need to have someone else to push forward in life. Someone who has ambition, but still needs that person with them to keep them going. I've needed someone with direction because that way I am fulfilling my driving need to give, but I'm not dragging them along as they claw the ground trying to stay put.

My question was, for the first little while I was thinking on this, "How do I do this, and maintain my independence?" If I don't at least have some semblance of it, I think I'd go crazy. I think I'd need someone that would let me pursue my own interests and dreams, at least somewhat, on the side. Even if they weren't that into what I wanted to do. That way I could still feel like I'm my own person.

Anyways. I think I'm done for now. Just thought maybe I could share my inner monologue with anyone who might possibly be interested... :)

I guess a girl's gotta have an accent or something to get the guys... :P

“Because when I was young and I'd get an A on a History test, or whatever… I’d get this good feeling about all the things that I could be… and then I never became any of them.”


It's a quote that seems to sum up what I feel about my life. And I hope I can change it...

I think I'm desperately happy....

I smell like ozone. It amuses me.

I REALLY DO! I leave random entries on here, quite frequently, when I feel that I've made an interesting discovery. Like when I mentioned that I've never really felt loved. It wasn't an attempt to get attention, people. It was merely something I saw wrong in myself, and in those I've had in my life either by choice or otherwise. I've been seeing a lot of change that needs to happen. And it was a moment in time that I felt like marking and taking note of.

SO ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKING LJ DRAMA AND STALKING AND INSULTS ALREADY! And stop acting like you understand everything I'm trying to say. I leave some of my posts vague for a reason. If you don't get it, ASK ME or don't try to interpret it at all. K?

K.

</rant>

So, other than that, I'm going to say that I am thoroughly excited to begin party season with Jenn, and announce to people that I may be having some fun at my place as well! I have pulled my home together, cleaned house, started seeing a doc to get my health in order, and now feel that it's time to start reconnecting with people again in the funnest way possible.

Is "funnest" even a word? I don't care..... :D

OH! Yes. I must say. I like cheese!

No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.
~Christian Bovee

I have never felt loved.


Worse than that?


I don't think I know how to feel loved.

Some serious food for thought.

So, even though I've known it my whole life, I don't think I ever fully realized how all-encompassing it was. "Everybody lies." Small lies, big lies. To those around them, or even to just themselves. Everyone lies. I lie to myself frequently. I prefer to call it denial, but it could be considered a lie. I try to convince myself that I am okay. That I can handle anything. I know it's not the truth. But I would like to believe it anyways.

Some people lie about "little" things. Exaggerations, understatements, what have you. But often what people consider "white lies" are anything but. When we tell someone how much they mean to us, and make it seem far more than it really is. That isn't "small" by any means. That is toying with the minds of those around us. Perhaps we tell ourselves that they can't handle what really happened, or that "they don't need the stress," but they should know the truth, regardless. And to those who think "we shouldn't push them over the edge," I'd say that maybe they should grow up and learn to cope like an adult....

Anyways. I think this is all I have for now. Maybe I'll actually be able to finish it at another time, but right now I just need some SLEEP.

We seek the unattainable. We want what we can't have. When there's a person who we know we can't touch, when we know that it's something beyond our grasp, that is what we reach for the hardest.

Those that seek to need nothing from no one, those are the ones we want to want us, to need us.

Those that seek to be needed, they are the ones who are used, wanted, but never loved.

So. What is it about ________? I don't know. Maybe it's just that I have finally found the one person I can never reach. The one thing I can never have.

Most would give up, once they realize that. Not me. Hearing that something is unachievable only drives me to work harder. Only makes me want it that much more, spurs me on, and drives me to the brink of insanity for want of it.

And this time, I feel like I actually deserve to have it. I am unstoppable. Unquenchable. Nothing will satisfy me until I have what I crave. And until they realize that I will only accept what I desire, that I will settle for nothing less, and that I am worthy, only then will I rest. Until then...

Who knows?

It's time to be letting go
Moving on, away from you
It's time to forget the bad times
And act like the good ones never happened

You have to go on
Find what's best for you
Or worst, I don't care anymore

I'm taking my step forward
Out of the disaster we created
And to do that
I have to let you make your bad decisions

I'm done with you
I never thought I could say it
Never thought I could mean it
But it's over and done
You can never go back

Now I'm free to find what's best for me
Or worst for me
You wouldn't care anyways

And it never mattered to begin with.

"You're so nice and you're so smart
You're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
Tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
Just pretend i didn't tear your world apart"

Trust me, it is something I know all too well. And it's something that I realize honestly can't be avoided in life. It will happen, whether we like it or not. We will be lied to. We will be used. Nothing can change that. And people will laugh when you aren't around, because you "actually fell for that!"

The only thing that we can change is how we respond to it, when we find out. When you realize that person that you thought gave a damn, never really did. When it turns out that that one person who promised you the world never intended to give you anything. When it turns out that the "love" that was shown to you was merely a ploy to get something that they wanted from you. Or when they suddenly drop away from your life, with no explanation, leaving you feeling like it was all a game to them, and you just lost. When that friendly face turns out to belong to someone who just wants to hurt you and leave you bruised and alone.

You can be angry. Take it out on them, or the people around you. You can attempt to make them pay. But that just ends up hurting you in the end, and you've wasted a whole bunch of time trying to make something go away that can never be erased. It has happened. That can't be changed. And honestly, trying to make them suffer normally backfires, and just makes you waste so much time being angry.

You can feel guilty. Wondering how you could have been so blind. Blame yourself for everything that they did. The truth is, they did it. Not you. THEY are the assholes. Doesn't make you dumb, or horrible, or anything for that matter. What they do shows who THEY are. And blaming yourself only proves that you are weak and gullible. Because half the time, they WANT you to suffer. Stop giving them what they want.

You can move on. Forget them. Know that they are idiots. That they are the ones who will pay in the end for being the way they are. And stop trying to carry that burden around with you. What they did is exactly that. It's what THEY did. And what you do is what YOU do. Don't let it keep you from living the life that is right in front of you.

________________________________________

It's time for me to move on. It's time for me to let go of you. Leon, Kati, Ryan, Steven, Nick, Josh... All of you. You played me. And in the end, while you laugh, I can rest easy knowing that you are the ones who lost. You lost me. I don't think there's a bigger loss to suffer, in this whole world, than the friendship of someone who honestly will give anything for you. I hope that karma, or god, or whatever higher power is out there, gives you everything you deserve.