Heart of the Fool

So

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 06:53:31 GMT

I found out at 3am that my grandmother has severely advanced pancreatic cancer. It might only be a matter of days. Most of you know how close I am to her, how much she means to me, and how much she has taught me. She is an amazing woman, and I hope beyond hope that the chemo is more effective than they could dream. But I have been preparing myself for anything. I may be leaving town soon, to go be with my family. PLEASE keep her in your thoughts and prayers, along with the rest of my family....

Thank you...

The end of day two

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:32:09 GMT

And there hasn't been a moment where I couldn't feel the aching emptiness. It's killing me. I hate waking up and wanting to cry.

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 13:05:49 GMT

I am in love. And it's not with something or someone unachievable. I am pleased.

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 13:05:16 GMT

Tonight, I cried. And it was beautiful.

Just so you know

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:24:24 GMT

I'm not going anywhere. You can make me run away. I won't do what others before me have done. I'm here to stay.

I love you. So fuckin deal with it :P

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 05:38:33 GMT

It's funny how, when things change, they haven't really changed at all. We merely mark a moment because we're determined to make things fit into a time-line.

Just a random thought.

Truly infinite

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:08:01 GMT

For a long time I believed when people told me that if I gave and gave, I would become empty. That I would eventually have nothing more to give.

I'm beginning to see that I was wrong. Because in giving, I am me. I am complete. I seek to give all I can to those around me, whether people believe they deserve it or not. And there are those in my life who I have given all of myself to. I pour myself into them every moment of every day, whether they realize it or not. They are few, but they are precious to me.

I seek to give to people what they truly need. Not just what they think they need, or what they want. What they need, even when they don't see that. And when they need me to stop giving, I stop.

I only want for you to be better. And in bettering you and everyone, I better myself, and am fulfilled. And thus, I am never empty.

And with this in mind, I have learned something about myself. For a long time I have been trying to be independent, knowing that to be entirely independent is impossible for me, for a number of reasons. And that has always vexed me. But I think I'm beginning to see all of this in a different light. I am the kind of person who is mentally independent. It's part of what helps me be objective when I really need to be. I've tried so hard to be independent in my relationships, to be "my own person" above all. But that denies my very nature. I exist to give to those around me.

If I'm ever going to be in a relationship, ever again, it needs to be with that in mind. I think what I've been missing this whole time is, I'm totally the standard "trophy wife" type. I'm the kind of person who likes to organize things for the person I'm with. I need to have someone else to push forward in life. Someone who has ambition, but still needs that person with them to keep them going. I've needed someone with direction because that way I am fulfilling my driving need to give, but I'm not dragging them along as they claw the ground trying to stay put.

My question was, for the first little while I was thinking on this, "How do I do this, and maintain my independence?" If I don't at least have some semblance of it, I think I'd go crazy. I think I'd need someone that would let me pursue my own interests and dreams, at least somewhat, on the side. Even if they weren't that into what I wanted to do. That way I could still feel like I'm my own person.

Anyways. I think I'm done for now. Just thought maybe I could share my inner monologue with anyone who might possibly be interested... :)

So from a LOT of directions the last few days...

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:20:25 GMT

I guess a girl's gotta have an accent or something to get the guys... :P

I think it fits

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:19:58 GMT

“Because when I was young and I'd get an A on a History test, or whatever… I’d get this good feeling about all the things that I could be… and then I never became any of them.”

It's a quote that seems to sum up what I feel about my life. And I hope I can change it...

It's intriguing

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:33:22 GMT

I think I'm desperately happy....

I feel like sharing

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:17:26 GMT

I smell like ozone. It amuses me.

I love being insulted by people who have never taken the time to get to know me

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 15:17:55 GMT

I REALLY DO! I leave random entries on here, quite frequently, when I feel that I've made an interesting discovery. Like when I mentioned that I've never really felt loved. It wasn't an attempt to get attention, people. It was merely something I saw wrong in myself, and in those I've had in my life either by choice or otherwise. I've been seeing a lot of change that needs to happen. And it was a moment in time that I felt like marking and taking note of.

SO ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKING LJ DRAMA AND STALKING AND INSULTS ALREADY! And stop acting like you understand everything I'm trying to say. I leave some of my posts vague for a reason. If you don't get it, ASK ME or don't try to interpret it at all. K?

K.

</rant>

So, other than that, I'm going to say that I am thoroughly excited to begin party season with Jenn, and announce to people that I may be having some fun at my place as well! I have pulled my home together, cleaned house, started seeing a doc to get my health in order, and now feel that it's time to start reconnecting with people again in the funnest way possible.

Is "funnest" even a word? I don't care..... :D

OH! Yes. I must say. I like cheese!

A fitting quote

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:32:43 GMT

No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.
~Christian Bovee

I realized, this afternoon

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 10 May 2008 01:35:27 GMT

I have never felt loved.

Worse than that?

I don't think I know how to feel loved.

I had to steal it

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:58:53 GMT

Some serious food for thought.

It can come as a shock

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:13:57 GMT

So, even though I've known it my whole life, I don't think I ever fully realized how all-encompassing it was. "Everybody lies." Small lies, big lies. To those around them, or even to just themselves. Everyone lies. I lie to myself frequently. I prefer to call it denial, but it could be considered a lie. I try to convince myself that I am okay. That I can handle anything. I know it's not the truth. But I would like to believe it anyways.

Some people lie about "little" things. Exaggerations, understatements, what have you. But often what people consider "white lies" are anything but. When we tell someone how much they mean to us, and make it seem far more than it really is. That isn't "small" by any means. That is toying with the minds of those around us. Perhaps we tell ourselves that they can't handle what really happened, or that "they don't need the stress," but they should know the truth, regardless. And to those who think "we shouldn't push them over the edge," I'd say that maybe they should grow up and learn to cope like an adult....

Anyways. I think this is all I have for now. Maybe I'll actually be able to finish it at another time, but right now I just need some SLEEP.

What is it about ________?

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 06:20:35 GMT

We seek the unattainable. We want what we can't have. When there's a person who we know we can't touch, when we know that it's something beyond our grasp, that is what we reach for the hardest.

Those that seek to need nothing from no one, those are the ones we want to want us, to need us.

Those that seek to be needed, they are the ones who are used, wanted, but never loved.

So. What is it about ________? I don't know. Maybe it's just that I have finally found the one person I can never reach. The one thing I can never have.

Most would give up, once they realize that. Not me. Hearing that something is unachievable only drives me to work harder. Only makes me want it that much more, spurs me on, and drives me to the brink of insanity for want of it.

And this time, I feel like I actually deserve to have it. I am unstoppable. Unquenchable. Nothing will satisfy me until I have what I crave. And until they realize that I will only accept what I desire, that I will settle for nothing less, and that I am worthy, only then will I rest. Until then...

Who knows?

Another step. If it's in the right or wrong direction, who knows?

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 07:47:49 GMT

It's time to be letting go
Moving on, away from you
It's time to forget the bad times
And act like the good ones never happened

You have to go on
Find what's best for you
Or worst, I don't care anymore

I'm taking my step forward
Out of the disaster we created
And to do that
I have to let you make your bad decisions

I'm done with you
I never thought I could say it
Never thought I could mean it
But it's over and done
You can never go back

Now I'm free to find what's best for me
Or worst for me
You wouldn't care anyways

And it never mattered to begin with.

Made me think of a friend

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:27:27 GMT

"You're so nice and you're so smart
You're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
Tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
Just pretend i didn't tear your world apart"

The Fine Art of Being Played

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:03:02 GMT

Trust me, it is something I know all too well. And it's something that I realize honestly can't be avoided in life. It will happen, whether we like it or not. We will be lied to. We will be used. Nothing can change that. And people will laugh when you aren't around, because you "actually fell for that!"

The only thing that we can change is how we respond to it, when we find out. When you realize that person that you thought gave a damn, never really did. When it turns out that that one person who promised you the world never intended to give you anything. When it turns out that the "love" that was shown to you was merely a ploy to get something that they wanted from you. Or when they suddenly drop away from your life, with no explanation, leaving you feeling like it was all a game to them, and you just lost. When that friendly face turns out to belong to someone who just wants to hurt you and leave you bruised and alone.

You can be angry. Take it out on them, or the people around you. You can attempt to make them pay. But that just ends up hurting you in the end, and you've wasted a whole bunch of time trying to make something go away that can never be erased. It has happened. That can't be changed. And honestly, trying to make them suffer normally backfires, and just makes you waste so much time being angry.

You can feel guilty. Wondering how you could have been so blind. Blame yourself for everything that they did. The truth is, they did it. Not you. THEY are the assholes. Doesn't make you dumb, or horrible, or anything for that matter. What they do shows who THEY are. And blaming yourself only proves that you are weak and gullible. Because half the time, they WANT you to suffer. Stop giving them what they want.

You can move on. Forget them. Know that they are idiots. That they are the ones who will pay in the end for being the way they are. And stop trying to carry that burden around with you. What they did is exactly that. It's what THEY did. And what you do is what YOU do. Don't let it keep you from living the life that is right in front of you.

________________________________________

It's time for me to move on. It's time for me to let go of you. Leon, Kati, Ryan, Steven, Nick, Josh... All of you. You played me. And in the end, while you laugh, I can rest easy knowing that you are the ones who lost. You lost me. I don't think there's a bigger loss to suffer, in this whole world, than the friendship of someone who honestly will give anything for you. I hope that karma, or god, or whatever higher power is out there, gives you everything you deserve.

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 00:16:34 GMT

My mind was clearing
But you fucked it all up
Filled my view with
Ghastly visions of violent sex
And destructive "love"

It fell apart
All over again, stupid whore
You've done it before
And you'll never stop

Don't blame me
For you walking away
Behind that veil to blind me
Confuse us all, mix it up
Never know the truth

Wake up! It's your nightmare
You control it
Make it stop and don't
Pass the buck this time, bitch

Are you ready?

I didn't think so...

That one

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 21:05:49 GMT

I am that person you always knew would come along. The one that terrifies you. Everyone hopes to one day meet that person who can change their life. Make them who they want to be. I am that person. Everyone hopes to meet that person who brings out the best and the worst in them, and makes them face all of it. Everyone hopes to meet that person who loves them no matter what. But everyone fears that when they meet that person, they won't realize it till it's too late.

I am that person. And I will come through your life, turn your world upside down, destroy it, put it back together, and be gone before you know it. You'll push me away, hate me. But when I'm gone, you'll wish you'd begged me to stay.

You will hate me, then love me, too.

I am the one you will regret. You will regret treating me the way you did. You will regret not listening to me. You will hate yourself for ignoring me, hurting me.

But, despite it all. I love you. I always have, and always will....

All the times I thought I was just tricking myself

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:24:36 GMT

I actually finally did change. I didn't write something, make a determination to change, and then forget it. I really am different. And seeing the proof of it is almost frightening.

I really have lost hope. I really have stopped expecting anything good from people. I am no longer surprised by failure.

And the battle I thought I lost? I've won it time and again with so many people. Finally I think I see that this is a failure on the other person's part. It's their loss.

If you really want to cling to your hope that you can fight me, feel free. But one day you will see that you don't want to anymore. And, like so many before you, it will be too late. Even should you realize it this very moment, it is too late.

In a way I am sorry. But you all brought it on yourself.

Why I Hate Us Both

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 12:48:56 GMT

Every moment
I spent loving you
Was a waste
You never wanted it
Never deserved it
And more than I hate you
I hate myself

I chose to be blind
I chose to hope
I chose wrong

Every moment
I spent hoping you cared
Is lost
It cannot be regained
I gave it to you
And you threw it away

I chose to love you
I chose to give you everything

You chose to reject it

And now
I choose to not love again

How does it feel to be without control?

roseofxeranda@hotmail.com — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 10:24:22 GMT

I will no longer allow myself to be hurt. I will no longer allow anyone to have that power over me. I'm tired of watching people do the same thing over and over, to me and to other people. But what angers me more than that is watching myself and other people accept it over and over and over again.

If you think you can understand me. If you think you can get into this shell. If you think you can hurt me anymore, I don't regret to inform you that you are sorely mistaken. I don't think this because I am something special, someone above you or anyone else. I say this because I know it is simply a fact.

Once upon a time I may have put myself out there. Maybe I would have desired you or someone else. Perhaps I would've seen you as worthy of being let in. But now I know that no one is worthy of that.

I am not worthless enough to put up with you doing to me what everyone else has done to you.

Do not call me narcissistic. I do not see myself as beautiful or wonderful or any such thing. I find no value in myself. But I have a responsibility to take care of me, and be the best me possible. I cannot be that while letting any of you into my head, into my heart. I owe this not to myself, not to you, not to society, not to the world. But to existence alone.

You may worship my body. You may worship that which you think my mind to be, or my heart. But you know nothing of any of them, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

You cannot have me. Not now, not ever again. I will not be used anymore.